by Karen Keller Capuciati
“I want her to tell me what she’s thinking and feeling, what she dreams about that makes her yell at night.”
But for Kari, who posted this concern on the In Care of Dad Facebook page, it’s not possible for her mom to tell her. She has dementia and has lost the ability to form words. “I can’t understand Mom any more,” Kari wrote. “I haven’t been able to in over a year.”
Her mom understands what others say to her — she can answer “yes” and “no” — but Kari feels that her mother has more she wants to say and it’s breaking her heart.
So I reached out to a group of geriatric-care professionals, with whom I meet once a month, to get some suggestions for Kari. Without knowing all the specifics of Kari’s situation, the group had some creative ideas for building a meaningful connection with a loved one when verbal communication has become severely limited.
Mary Underwood, Vice President of Memory Care at Maplewood Senior Living in Fairfield County, CT, believes that all her mom may need is a genuine connection. “Trying to have someone answer questions that they are not able to can be frustrating, not only for the caregiver but also for the person with the disease,” Mary said. “It is important to provide reassurance that they are okay. It can also be helpful to acknowledge the frustration that the person is experiencing. To say, ‘I know it must be hard to not be able to get the words out’ or ‘Even though you can’t tell me what you’re feeling, I want you to know that I am here to make sure you’re okay’ are comforting statements for your loved one. Understanding and connecting with the emotion they are experiencing is often more important than the fact of what is happening.”
Kathryn Freda, a gerontologist and eldercare manager, has had positive experience with elders using art to express themselves. “If it seems like an activity that they might be willing to participate in, I would ask my loved one to draw with pastels or larger crayons, or paint with a wide brush or fingerpaints, or mold clay into shapes. Art transcends normal thought,” Kathryn explained, “and I have often seen clients convey emotion through form and color.”
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