by Joan Blumenfeld, MS, LPC

Our elderly mother was beside herself.  Our 85-year-old father was dipping into their retirement funds to buy junk bonds on margin.  Then he was going to Mother requesting cash from their savings accounts to cover his losses.  She was in a panic about this seemingly surefire formula for financial disaster.

Though neither of us is a lawyer or financial advisor, my brother and I agreed that we had to intervene.  And so we did.

I opened the conversation by telling our parents about elder-law attorneys, who specialize in legal and financial planning for older adults.  I boldly inquired about their wills, and when they turned out to be hopelessly outdated, our parents agreed to a consultation with an elder-law attorney.

What followed was a slow and complex process that took several months, during which time my parents and I had weekly meetings at the attorney’s office.  We started out with revisions to their wills and then eased into a broader discussion about advance directives, powers of attorney and other major issues related to late-life planning.  We ended up managing their assets and preserved their wealth so they would have the resources for the best available care for the rest of their lives.  Our parents actually seemed relieved that Dick and I stepped in when we did.

Initially, before my brother and I agreed that we had to intervene, Dick was reluctant to interfere in our parents’ money matters.  He was concerned that our parents’ dignity might be at risk by having their children interfere in such a personal matter.  But when our father asked us to manage their financial affairs, Dick was agreeable.  And working together, on behalf of our parents, actually brought Dick and me closer together than we had ever been before.

Looking back, we were extraordinarily lucky that our parents let us get involved with their affairs and were willing to discuss these highly charged and very private matters with us.  Talking about money can be so difficult for so many families.  The process is slow and emotionally fraught.  It takes time, creativity, respect, trust and good intentions.  But in the end, we found great emotional and financial benefits for the whole family.

A final pearl of wisdom:  Start the financial conversation sooner rather than later.  Go slowly!  Together you can plan for the care your parents are likely to need as they age.

Joan Blumenfeld, MS, LPC is a Geriatric Care Manager practicing in Fairfield, Connecticut. For more information joanblumenfeld.com. Copyright 2010 Joan Blumenfeld.

Tags: advanced directives, elder-law attorneys, helping elder parents manage their assets, how to talk about money to aging parents, late-life planning, legal and financial planning for older adults, power of attorney

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