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In Care of Dad: A Look Back At 2014

Posted on December 24th, 2014 by kim

by Kim Keller

I remember when I was a kid, rolling my eyes at my parents when they’d talk in wonder about how fast time goes by. Of course, that was a long, long time ago, and here I am now thinking, where did 2014 go? I don’t roll my eyes any longer. Now I just smile knowingly.

And at the end of December, my parents would sit around and reflect on all that had happened that year. I thought it was kind of silly then, living in the past and all, but I see the wisdom in that now, too. You should always bring along the lessons and whatever good life has to offer.

In that spirit, here’s a look back at In Care of Dad in 2014:

“I will never leave you — no matter what happens I will always be with you.”

Unbeknownst to both of us at the time, those would be the last words my father would ever say to me. That one sentence would carry me into my fatherless future, like a road map to guide me on the sometimes perilous, sometimes heartbreaking, always blessed journey of my life.

— Ann Meyers Piccirillo, Always Your Daughter, January 22, 2014.

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Saying Goodbye To The Blame Game

Posted on November 12th, 2014 by karen

by Ed Moran, LCSW

I saw them again last evening. I’ve never met them but I see them every night, walking hand in hand, taking their after-supper stroll. While I tend to be lousy at guessing ages, I suspect they’re both in their mid-seventies, and I like to imagine they’ve been married forever.

Next month, 18 years will have passed since my father lost his battle with colon cancer. This couple I see every night reminds me of what’s been taken from my mom, from me, and from my three siblings. That should be my parents on that nightly walk, holding hands, enjoying each other’s company. I suppose what I’m saying is, sometimes I still get angry, and sometimes I still want to know why.

But what I’ve discovered over time, through all these years of personal introspection and working with the bereaved, is that people spend an inordinate amount of time conjuring up blame when friends and family pass away. And they aren’t the only ones who struggle with blame. Victims of illness also get in on the exercise — it seems there’s more than enough blame to go around.

When a behavior is so common, there’s probably something of value in it. So what does blaming do for us? For many people, assigning blame creates the pretense of order in an otherwise chaotic situation. For example, a cancer diagnosis normally rocks people to the core. It shatters their sense of security. For some, it seems the only way to restore control is find out who or what is responsible. A smoker will blame their lung cancer on cigarettes. A drinker will blame their liver cancer on alcohol. Same thing goes for the wife of the smoker, and the children of the drinker. They all get in on the blaming. Someone who led a clean and healthy life, with no obvious risk factors, might choose to blame God. The possibilities are endless when the blaming begins.

Blame tends to reflect a sense of guilt for having gotten so sick. I’m being punished with this illness because I wasn’t a good person. I must’ve done something wrong to wind up with this illness. What did I do? It’s a common response because it offers a rationale (regardless of how irrational it might be) to explain an otherwise inexplicable turn of events. But it’s a dangerous path to start down. It can be extremely difficult to extricate oneself from that line of thinking, and it can drain one’s emotional energy that’s better suited to building the internal strength that’s needed to fight for survival.

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Survival Lessons For Life’s Toughest Challenges

Posted on October 22nd, 2014 by karen

by Kim Keller

“Write your troubles on a slip of paper and burn it.”

This is one of the many pieces of advice from bestselling author Alice Hoffman, in her new little gem of a book called Survival Lessons. I keep this book, filled with Hoffman’s words of wisdom, right next to my bed. In fact, after reading Survival Lessons for the first time, I bought extra copies to give to all my friends. If I could afford to buy this book for every person in the In Care of Dad community, I would — it’s that good!

But, since I can’t afford thousands of copies, I’ll just tell you about it instead.

Best known for her two novels, Practical Magic and Here On Earth, Hoffman said she wrote the non-fiction Survival Lessons because it’s a book she wished she’d had when she was faced with a breast cancer diagnosis more than 15 years ago. Devastated by the news and overwhelmed by the prospects of the treatment process, Hoffman explained that she went “looking for a guidebook. I needed to know how people survived trauma.”

“It happens to everyone,” she said, “in one way or another, sooner or later. The loss of a loved one, a divorce, heartbreak, a child set on the wrong path, a bad diagnosis. When it comes to sorrow, no one is immune.”

Hoffman never did find that guidebook she was looking for, but, after surviving many of life’s challenges, she decided that she finally knew what the guidebook should say. And, as the author of some 30 books, who better to create this much-needed volume? She set out to write the book she had needed those many years before, a book that she herself would want to read if she were ever again faced with a devastating life challenge.

Survival Lessons, published last year, was the result.

The book is broken down into bite-sized chapters, each with an empowering preface, starting with “Choose,” as in Choose Whose Advice You Take, Choose How You Spend Your Time, Choose To Love Who You Are. Although there are so many circumstances in our lives that we have no control over, Hoffman helps us remember that we have the power to choose how we approach those challenges.

The book is also chock full of illustrations and tiny bits of poetry, and even offers a few important extras, like a brownie recipe that Hoffman claims will make you “forget your sorrows.” Survival Lessons is compact and easy to finish in one sitting, which is important when you’re feeling truly lost. Not only are the words valuable, but so is the act of completion. Finishing a book makes us all feel that we’ve accomplished something, and that we have the potential to accomplish more.

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The Breast Cancer Toolbox: Ensuring The Best Possible Outcome

Posted on October 15th, 2014 by karen

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so we at In Care of Dad proudly rerun this invaluable blog by breast cancer survivor Christine Taylor about the many tools she found to both empower her healing and assuage her fears during the time of her treatment as well as the many years since.

by Christine Taylor

A cancer diagnosis can easily destabilize your life and leave you feeling out of control. You become extremely busy trying to make all your important life decisions, worrying about yourself and your family, your finances, your job, your treatment options. You feel an overwhelming need to put things in the right place, in the best possible position for the future.

I had breast cancer a few years ago, and as soon as I heard the words “It’s cancer,” I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me. I launched myself into the full-time pursuits of gathering as many tools and resources as I could find and taking the best possible care of myself — physically, mentally and spiritually — to help ensure the best possible outcome. Naturally, I learned a great deal about what was useful and what wasn’t, so if I were creating a toolbox today, comprising the very best items for dealing with a new diagnosis of breast cancer, it would surely include the following:

Peace, Love and Healing by Dr. Bernie Siegel
Peace, Love and Healing is a beautifully written exploration of mind-body communication. Using anecdotes and scientific research, Dr. Siegel writes about the innate ability in each of us to participate in our own healing. Based on common traits he has observed throughout his long career as a cancer surgeon, in patients who thrive in the face of a grim diagnosis, Dr. Siegel writes, “Love and peace of mind do protect us. They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us. They teach us to survive . . . to live now . . . to have the courage to confront each day.” This book was a source of strength and comfort for me during my experience with cancer, and I continue to appreciate its hopeful and empowering messages to this day.

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Getting Your Affairs In Order

Posted on July 27th, 2014 by karen

by Kim Keller

You can peek beneath or behind nearly any object in my mother’s home, and you’ll find a little piece of masking tape with someone’s name written neatly across it.

“This is from my great aunt, Mary Priest, who was a Methodist missionary,” Mom explained, cutting a piece of tape for a little carved coconut that’s been fashioned into a decorative container. I’ve always loved this item, so I made sure my name was on the masking tape. “Mary brought it back from Japan in 1881!”

My mom loves organization. Keeping things orderly gives her a sense of peace and comfort. She also enjoys knowing that, when it’s her time to go, she is passing along the things she loves in an orderly fashion.

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Caregiver Tools: Top Five Resources

Posted on June 18th, 2014 by karen

by Karen Keller Capuciati

Here is a Top Five list I simply had to share — my favorite caregiver resources that I put together for Mary Underwood, Vice President of Memory Care and Resident Experience at the beautifully appointed Maplewood Senior Living in Westport, CT. Mary is putting together a resource library — books, CDs, DVDs, and websites — for professional and family caregivers alike.

It’s a thoughtful gesture on Mary’s part that will no doubt be highly useful. Knowing what resources are available is the first step in making one’s arduous caregiving duties go a little smoother.

It was not easy narrowing down the extensive list to only five resources, so stay tuned for more top picks.

Eldercare Locator is a nationwide public service that connects aging Americans and their caregivers with community resources. Whether you’re looking for home-delivered meals, help dispensing medications, transportation to various appointments, adult day-care or respite programs, Eldercare Locator will help you find the resources available in your ZIP code. Visit eldercare.gov or call 800-677-1116.
Health Journeys is a guided-meditation clearinghouse, offering CDs or downloadable meditations to assist with many of life’s health challenges. Fight Cancer, Healthy Heart, Successful Surgery, Ease Pain, Healthful Sleep are just a few of the available titles. These meditations provide the kind of supplemental support that we need to actively participate in our own health and recovery.

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Bringing Life To Your Hospital Stay

Posted on May 14th, 2014 by karen

by Lisa Bassi

Long-term hospital stays can feel like prison terms to medical patients. So many simple freedoms are taken away. You can’t walk around outside in the green grass, or have your coffee exactly the way you want it, or go to the store and see what foods call to you that day. Your life exists on everyone else’s schedule — you can’t sleep when you want to, eat when you want to or even shower when you want to.

In your mental image, hospitals are serious business and not associated with fun. You don’t go there on vacation — you go there to get better. And while you’re there, it feels like time stops, like your life is on hold. You know that outside, life goes on without you. Your friends and family go on with their lives and careers, growing, changing, learning, loving, and you feel the sting of not being involved.

My husband David spent the last three years of his life battling non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Between chemo, transplant and infections, we had many long hospital stays. David was diagnosed at age 37, and for the last two years of his life, we did not spend any holidays at home. We had our holidays in the hospital.

Months and months in a hospital room weighed heavily on his spirits. It could have become unfathomably sad if I started focusing on how our life hadn’t become what we envisioned. And even worse, our future was entirely uncertain, and that was terrifying. I realized that I needed to shift my gaze to the right now. I started to change my vision of what our life could be. I had to ask myself, what is life affirming? How can we make the most fun right now? This IS our life, so how can we make it as beautiful, enjoyable and rich as possible?

David was a very social guy. He liked being around people and was quite chatty. I had to continue to work and would go to the hospital to see him before going to the office, at lunch and then be there after work. So my goal was to figure out how to get other people into his room, especially in those hours when I wasn’t able to be there.

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A Living Will Is Not Enough

Posted on January 29th, 2014 by karen

For the next few weeks, we are featuring some of our favorite blogs from years past. This entry was first published by In Care of Dad on February 24, 2011.

by Shira Tannor

My dad, a retired psychiatrist, died on St. Patrick’s Day 2009. Though he was nearly 84, his death came upon us suddenly in a whirlwind few days of pain and confusion. Dad had been diagnosed with squamous cell skin cancer and had had two surgeries in the span of three years, both times bouncing back from what seemed like nothing more than a mere nuisance. A robust man who rarely took as much as an aspirin, he soldiered on with confidence and optimism and so did we. But when his cancer appeared for a third time, and he was facing what he knew would be a prolonged and nasty fight, he understood with quiet dignity that this was not just another nuisance and opted for an aggressive course of chemotherapy as his last best shot. None of us thought when he started down this path that just two weeks later he’d be dead.

Dad was a responsible and pragmatic man who adored his family and kept us close. No surprise then that he had taken good care to provide for us in death as he’d always done in life. There was life insurance to cover funeral costs, burial plots for the entire family, a Family Trust, Durable Powers of Attorney, Health Care Proxies and a Living Will. Everything was up to date and in place. But when Dad suddenly lay intubated in a hospital bed, hooked to a bevy of life-prolonging devices, we discovered the hard way that he’d forgotten something critical — he never, ever talked to us about how we, as a family, would and should deal together with the difficult and heart-wrenching decisions to end his life.

For a man who made it his business to understand human nature, and who presided over family meetings on far lesser issues, Dad was strangely silent on this one. Keenly aware of our differences, chief among them that my brother, the firstborn and beloved only son, is an Orthodox Jew, Dad somehow never engaged us in any discussion of what we should do if faced with the terrible prospect of having to end his life. The plain vanilla language of his Living Will directed us to remove him from life support if he couldn’t live on his own, but there was no further instruction and, in those awful few days when his life had essentially slipped away and we most needed his wisdom, there were no more words. I wish there had been. We all did.

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Cancer Survivor: Five Years And Counting

Posted on October 10th, 2013 by karen

by Lisa M. Wolfson

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is upon us again, the fifth such October in my own personal survivor timeline. The month always stirs up emotions for me, both as a daughter who lost her mom to the disease and as a survivor myself. Awareness is a year-round concern, but it gets amplified in October as we use the time to build awareness in others. And this year, the significance takes on a whole new aura — November will mark my five-year anniversary of being cancer-free.

I recall all my mother’s struggles and treatments with striking clarity, and her final weeks as if they were yesterday. And I relive my own arduous breast cancer journey over and over in my mind. But I also know that I’ve come a long way — I recognize that breast cancer awareness will always stir my emotions and be my cause, but I know that it no longer defines me as person.

Naturally, the disease overwhelmed me at first, but it later served as a turning point for me, helping to create balance in my life-mind, body, spirit and emotions. Let me be very clear here: I would never have chosen to have breast cancer or any other cancer, but I am grateful for having found the light at the end of the tunnel and the life changes that resulted.

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CANCER101 Planner: The Information And Resource Toolkit

Posted on October 3rd, 2013 by karen

by Karen Keller Capuciati

One of our readers gave us a great tip about a helpful resource she uses to care for her 82-year-old father who has cancer. She found a toolkit that has been “the greatest way to stay organized” throughout the process.

She’s referring to the CANCER101 Planner. It’s a three-ring binder designed to keep all your information organized and handy. It also provides information, advice and references.

The planner was created by Monica Knoll, who was a marketing director for a health club when she was diagnosed in October 2000 with breast cancer. She was overwhelmed and frustrated by the “strange new world of medical information and confusing terms.” Sifting through such excessive amounts of information caused even more anxiety. So Monica created the planner after she completed her treatments in 2002. She had two goals in mind to help those with cancer and their caregivers:

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