Here we are at the emotional support page – a segment we were eager to include because our family experienced such a wide range of powerful emotions.  Once Dad got so sick, our entire family was struck by profound sadness and dread and fear.  Naturally, we worried first about how Dad would cope, but the fact is, he probably coped better than the rest of us.  Over the long haul, though, the expected and the unexpected consequences all took their toll.  

As the primary caregiver, our mom was so thoroughly exhausted and stressed out that she, too, ended up in the hospital, with dangerously high blood pressure.  For us, living so far away from our parents brought on many difficulties – feeling powerless, feeling guilty and mostly feeling frustrated that we couldn’t be there and do more for them.  But for me, in all honesty, being in the “thick of it” in Florida was so hard emotionally that I suffered from chronic headaches, and my sister Kim endured insomnia no matter where she was.  I don’t think she got one full night’s sleep in more than a year.

Along the way, we learned a lot about coping mechanisms.  We gained insights from each other, from our friends and especially from our dad.  Throughout the emotional rollercoaster ride, we would talk on the phone and help each other through.  These are the things we found most valuable.

Breathe  
I do this with my mom whenever she feels overwhelmed.  We sit, close our eyes and focus on our breathing.  If our mind starts to wander, we direct our attention gently back to the breath.  We sit for 5 to 10 minutes just focusing on our breathing and we can feel the calmness replace the storm.

Be Honest
We learned that no matter how difficult the news, our dad deserved the truth.  We regret that we were often accomplices to the depersonalization that can take place – being pulled out of Dad’s room, for example, to talk about his health.  When my sister Kim was the only one brave enough to tell our dad about the need for his first leg amputation, our father, in his weakened state in the hospital ICU, responded with a soft “thank you.”  We were all struck by his gratitude – it was the most sincere and palpable thank you I’ve ever felt.  It was a surprising response, but one that showed us the inherent power of the truth.

Maintain Balance
It seems hard to do, but we realized we needed time to be normal, to socialize and to laugh.  We encouraged each other to do the things we enjoyed and to connect with friends.  Initially, we all felt guilty about going out and socializing and laughing, but in hindsight, this was the absolute right thing to do.

Respect the Process
When my dad was in hospice, and we could sense him withdrawing, I struggled with what was happening.  My heart hurt so terribly that I didn’t think I could bear it any longer.  As I cried on the phone to Marilyn, my meditation teacher, she said, “Respect your dad’s process.”  These words brought me a greater perspective.  No matter how hard we try to control a situation or wish it were different, sometimes we need to simply accept what is and recognize our inability to change it.

Cherish Even the Hardest Times  
This is a “hindsight is 20/20” comment.  It is hard to imagine that you could wish back such painful times.  But those were days in which we could tell our dad how much we loved him, we could kiss him and touch him and tell him what a wonderful dad he was for us.  Those are unforgettable times for our family.