What is hospice?  Hospice care is for those who are nearing the end of their lives, and its focus is on comfort, which is known as palliative care.  We were drawn to hospice once we could finally acknowledge that there was no treatment plan to make our dad well again.  His suffering was great, and we were desperate to find him some relief.  Hospice was our answer. 

One of the hardest decisions we had to make as a family was about our dad’s receiving hospice care.  To complicate matters, he was too sick to participate in the conversation.  To us, making a move to hospice care felt like giving up.  Letting him go.  And we wanted to keep him for as long as we could.

A General Guide to Hospice Eligibility

How do you know if it’s time for hospice care?  Certainly you’ll need to talk with your parent’s doctor, but we found this guide at homecarehospice.com that we thought was helpful, and a good place to start. 

Here are some signs to watch for:

We were waiting for one of Dad’s doctors to mention hospice care with us, but no one did.  And all this omission did was give us a false sense of hope.  Yet it was clear that, when we finally mentioned it, it was on the minds of some of his doctors.  So what was the deal with the silence?  Our guess is that doctors who don’t mention hospice care fall into one of two camps:  One, they’re reluctant to mention hospice care until the family (in their opinion, of course) seems emotionally ready, or two, they don’t consider hospice care because doctors are trained to cure patients and prolong life, and the hospice option feels like a surrender.  Either way, you may have to be the one to bring up the hospice option with your parent’s doctors.

Here’s what we looked for:

• A peaceful, pleasant and clean environment.
• A staff that seemed caring, capable and knowledgeable.

Before our dad went into hospice, we met with a hospice nurse and we asked for guidance.  Our question: Should we tell him that he was going into hospice care?  Hospice meant death to us, and so how could we tell him without his giving up hope?  The nurse began by reassuring us that the role of hospice was not to invite death or discourage wellness, but simply to provide a peaceful environment, without pain, and to let nature take its course.  She told us that some people actually got better with hospice care, and they were able to go home.  She encouraged us to be straightforward with our dad, but she acknowledged that some families opted not to tell their loved ones.

One of the wonderful things about hospice is the guidance and support they provide to both patient and family.  Moving into this “new phase” of care, we needed help understanding how to interact with our dad, and also we needed to understand the process of what to expect next.

"Hospice does not mean giving up hope.  What happens is that one's hope system  changes.  One hopes for comfort and dignity to insure the best quality of life possible for the end of life."  Marcy Rosen Bernstein, LMSW, Jacob Perlow Hospice, New York, NY