Whether you live next door or many miles away, it's difficult to effectively help your parents in times of need.  Managing your own life while also trying to handle what your parents may require can be complicated and stressful, and if you live far away, it adds another dimension of difficulty.  Even though my sister Karen and I took turns traveling to our parents’ home in Florida to help out, both of us still felt the pull of competing responsibilities.  When we were with our parents, we felt the tug of priorities at home in New York, and vice versa.  But you can't be in two places at once.  Our cell phones helped us feel more connected, but managing our dad's illness and our own lives continued to be a delicate balancing act.  There were a few things we did to help make it work:  we tried to stay organized; we shared responsibilities whenever we could; and we worked hard to keep the lines of communication open with everyone involved.
 

Try to get an accurate picture of your parents’ ability to care for themselves.  Before you can seek help, you should understand what's needed.  (Clearly, every situation is different:  some people will have one parent with health issues; some people with have two.  So any references we make to "parent" or "parents" should be taken to mean either situation.)

After you have assessed the basic situation, you must sort out what needs to be handled.  Make a task list.  Here are some things to consider:

You're going to need help, especially if you can't be there all the time.  So you'll need to figure out what resources are available to you.  Here are some ideas to consider:

Karen and I are both list makers by nature, and when you have so many people involved, this instinct becomes all the more necessary.  These lists will help keep everyone on the same page.  In our Checklists & More section, you will find blank templates for each of the various lists recommended below. 

The next best thing to your being there is your phone call.  In our case, we both called our parents a few times everyday - routine calls help everyone feel connected.  Never underestimate the power of calling just to say, “How are you today, Dad?” or “I’m thinking of you.”

“You can’t assess your parents’ needs in one visit.  It has to be done over time.  Outside help, like a CNA (Certified Nurse Assistant), can help you make that assessment.  Look to see if your parents are putting things off that they normally do regularly,  as a matter of course.  Cleaning is a big thing.  So is hygiene.  For example, do they change their clothes every day?  If they stopped cooking, it is usually because they can’t, not because they don’t want to.  Same with sweeping the floor.” 
- Jen, Home Health Nurse, The Villages, FL

"This site is awsome.  I wish I had found it a few months ago as my Dad lost his battle with cancer.  During the process, I was overwhelmed with decisions.  I created an iPhone App that allowed Dad to record his doctors visits. My siblings and I could listen through the web interface and help with the care plan.  The recordings go into a personal health folder.  My mother also used this to communicate with 5 of my siblings in different states.  She could leave us a recording one-time instead of repeating difficult news as we called each day.  After this system, the calls were no longer an inquisition on what the doctor said or how is Dad was doing,  they were more of just talking and offering support.  We have been offering this product free.   www.conexmps.com/family"
- Paul Unger, Meridian, Idaho